holy crap we are half-way there.

Yesterday marked 20 weeks. Half way! Holy Crap!

I am feeling her kick on and off. Sometimes its strong, sometimes its just flutters. Sometimes I don't feel anything for a day or more (at least not anything very strong). The kicks are strong enough that I can see them pushing out of my stomach. She is usually kicking way down low in my belly just above my pelvis.

Sometimes at night or in the morning my hips hurt. I am pretty much always ravenously hungry, unless I eat too much and then I feel awful. I am not really having cravings. Usually, I don't know what I want. My skin and hair are lovely, thank you. My boobs are almost too big for my tiny boobed bra (oh yeah). I can see the inside of my belly button which I have never seen before.

Tyler and I are trying to get things done at the house (the kitchen, the floors, the yard blah blah blah). We are also trying to find Tyler a better job in Accounting and me something that won't hurt my career when I take a leave in August, even if its just freelance. Everything has been really slow on those fronts. One day at a time.

Ok here is the pics!

captain me.

My parents and I went to the St. Patrick's Day festivities in downtown Dunedin. They enjoyed Guinness and greasy food but all I got was this picture:





















On Saturday we got our first real summer-ish day and the traffic and tourists on Honeymoon Island and Dunedin Causeway proved it. The interest was sparked in me to learn how to sail when my mom, dad, Ty and I visited my Aunt Carla and Uncle Steve and their gorgeous sailboat last summer. On that trip, we didn't actually go sailing because of a mechanical issue and it was stormy but I did enjoy watching a whole fleet of children on their one-man sailboats.

So this weekend, my daddy (and truly amazing teacher) taught me the basics of how to sail. As you can see, my mom thankfully supplied me with a over-sized wetsuit (it wasn't all that warm outside and I got wet!) that my belly squeezed into. Here are some nice pics and some out of focus pics taken by Tyler since him and my mom were beach bums.

























































































The real amazing story here isn't that I actually DID sail and did really good but that we spotted a small pod of dolphins and chased them for about an hour! I had just got into the captains seat and was pretty nervous. My dad was telling me what to do and I follow orders well. We started chasing the dolphins and it was a great way to learn because I was so in awe of being so close (sometimes less than 5 feet!) to the dolphins that I didn't over-think sailing.

At one point, my dad said, "Ok, now I am going to let you do it on your own." Woah, I was nervous about that because there was an island really close as well as a few kayak's. I told him I was didn't want to run into anything. He said, "I won't let you hit anything." Aw. My dad has always been a wonderful teacher. Since I am going to have a daughter it made me realize how important it is to make sure your kid knows that they can trust you and you are looking out for them no matter what.

There was a baby dolphin and it looked like mom was teaching it how to hunt. Neither of us had EVER been that close to dolphins (yes one of the perks of living here is we get to see dolphins quite a bit). When it was time to head back we realized that maybe we weren't following them, maybe they were following us because they kept popping up right next to the boat to say hi and get a closer look at us.

I guess we share the same curiosity in boats that don't make noise.

To make the day even more magical, after we got back and were unloading everything the baby started dancing up a storm. I didn't even get out of the car because I didn't want to miss it! She was kicking so much that I was watching my stomach push out for the first time. My mom ran over and put her hand on my belly and sure enough- she kicked her hard! This little one is definitely not shy! She has kicked her daddies hand several times and now her Gram's. Gramps is next!

my dog jackie.

Nobody lifts me up quite like my dog Jackie. Felt rather "stuck" on the couch today after sleeping ALL day yesterday. Jackie made a nice pillow.
















As I have many times before, I didn't feel like doing much at all but I wanted to something for her so... bath time! Now we are going outside to play and get all dirty again.

quotable.

What you have gathered may be yours, but it will never be you.
-Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

not yourself.

Those kinds of situations where you find yourself wide awake and weighing pros and cons and wondering how you are gonna make it without losing yourself,

The kinds where nothing could bring immediate solace, really nothing, but you keep imagining what could,

Where you wallow in your clueless-ness and write in a blog on your cell phone key pad using vague words with melancholic undertones just to try and escape thinking up different possible outcomes for this evening, this week, this nine months... without really much luck at all,

Where you try desperately to balance on the high-wire of being "the bigger, patient, compassionate person" who "doesn't lose a moment of joy to a moment of anger" and not putting up with what you know simply isn't ok after countless other simply isn't ok's,

Where you don't know what to do and it seems nothing you do-do is right, or good enough that used to be acceptable back before every little decision you made from what food you put in your mouth, to what thought you think, to who you chose to spend any time with at all, to whether you stay, or go... wasn't completely and utterly being made for the safety and well-being and the entire future of SOMEONE ELSE and not... yourself,

Yourself. Not Yourself.

Those kind of situations where you lay awake and feel a miracle going on inside of you and you would share it with the two dogs who are taking up most of the room on the couch but who are so sleepy they aren't even jumping anymore at every sound outside. And there are many, with the wind and all. And... they are dogs.

Those kinds that make you wish others maybe cared a little less about themselves and lived a little more for something else, someone else, someone who needs you. Someone who's life depends on every little move you make,

Those situations are... frighteningly frequent.

But the wind still blows. The dogs still sleep. The miracle still grows.

And grows, and grows, and grows...

19 weeks!

bigger and bigger! feeling little flutters and bigger kicks more often.

It's St. Patricks Day today! Yae! I love this day! Even this year when I can't slam Irish Car Bombs and sip on Guinness. Celebration!

firsts.

9:20 pm

I am talking to franny via gmail and reading about vaccines from links she sent me.
I start to feel light little flutter in my belly and yell for tyler.

He puts his hand on my belly and waits patiently then after a few minutes feels his first kick! He said it was really strong and seemed to scrape against his hand. He felt a few more after that too.

I don't ever want to forget this.

ode to the one.

pretty good idea.

You might think that you have a clue what unconditional love is but, until you experience a fetal kick and expanding belly... you only know the idea of it.

And I have a pretty good feeling that I am just going to realize more each day the infinite nature of this love.

It's bigger, much bigger, than me.


(a pretty good idea of it)

loosey goosey.

I'm listening to Caribou.

Today it feels like my hips are doing stretches without me. Does that make sense? It hurts! I guess today is a big day for my hips to get all "loosey goosey" to make way for baby. How strange and uncomfortable. That reminds me, I should drink some milk.

I had a (demented) dream last night and today while I unexpectedly napped for several hours that my legs were in so much pain that they were covered completely in bruises. I guess I may or may not be experiencing pregnancy leg cramps.

Yesterday I went to Sathsang. It was a little more challenging for me to sit through than it used to be but it was really good and really supportive to do my practice with all of the other meditators and especially my love's Jessica and Jen. The teacher who taught my Inner Engineering class was there, Gomathy, and it was really wonderful to just be in her presence again. The class was completely life changing for me and I... love her. She talked a lot about the upcoming Mystic Eye event and I am so very excited to be there in the Guru's presence again at such a rare event. Especially, because I am pregnant. Hopefully I can even get a question in.
After Jessica, Jen and I went to lunch and poor Jessica heard a LOT of baby prego talk. She will be very informed if/when she ever decides to procreate.


Now I'm listening to Feist's "I Feel It All"

Today Ty and I went to Baby's R Us. I have been there before for Tiffanys baby shower and with my mom once to get an overview. I figured we need to visit a few times and try and get the overwhelming-ness out of the way. That place, and everything you can get for a baby, is... frightening. Ty had a few panic attacks but he did good. I hope to be as non-materialistic / natural as possible.

I made fried perch, baked potatoes, and steamed carrots for dinner. When Ty was doing the dishes I was talking to him about my blog. He said, "I love having a behind the scene's pass". Cute.

Goodbye weekend... until the next time.

eats!

If you didn't know, my two favorite things in life are reading and cooking.


Every book I have read recently has been absolutely perfect and I got so much insight into my own life from them. I just finished reading Life of Pi. It is such a beautiful book. The way spirituality, religion, zoology, and survival are tied together is... well you should read it! For me, it was perfect to read while I am pregnant and trying REALLY hard to do the best I can for the little mini-me. In a way, I am in my own lifeboat trying my best to survive--- all the while putting someone else before me.

When I finished that, I found Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance lying around. I tried to read this book before and it was not working for me. Now I need a book! Help!

Now... food... I used to cook constantly. It was my therapy while trying to make it through the stresses of college and how I stay so healthy (first comes yoga). Since I got pregnant I have been to tired and lazy feeling to cook. Not to mention, I didn't have a functioning kitchen because Tyler was putting in a gorgeous new floor. The kitchen is still in the works, but its functioning now. The slate floor is so beautiful.
I have a little more energy than I did in the first trimester and a much bigger appetite. I have been eager to share all of my creations and recipes/secrets (and so I don't forget how the heck I made things).

Here is what I made last night:

Roasted Asparagus on top of a bed of fennel, marinated mushrooms, shallots, and tomatoes. (notice the floor!)


















Roast fresh, big asparagus in oven at 400 degree. First coat in olive oil, pepper, salt, and lemon juice. Place on top of aluminum foil on pan. Roast for 8-10 mins depending on how big asparagus are. Top with spritz of fresh lemon juice when finished.

In hot pan with oil, quick saute shallots and chopped fennel for a couple minutes, then add marinated mushrooms (marinate for 15-30 mins in balsamic vinegar) and extra balsamic vinegar from marinade. Saute for about 3-5 mins then add chopped tomatoes and stir. Stir together with whole wheat pasta cooked aldente. Add small amount of pesto. Stir and serve it up! Yum (sorry I never measure anything!)




For dessert:
Peppered balsamic strawberries













Slice fresh strawberries and toss with balsamic vinegar and sugar (enough to coat and sugar to taste. I dont like it very sweet). Marinate at room temp for an hour then serve with fresh cracked black pepper. I didn't have any but it is best with homemade whipped cream!
This was inspired by a dessert prepared at my favorite restaurant in the whole world: The Grand Concourse.

My parents and I would get all dressed up and go there as a real treat and I am certain it helped spark my love of food and preparing food. Damn, I'm hungry.

Gonna go eat...

Somebody got a bath!

18 weeks and 1 day!

Midwife appt. tomorrow! Yippee!!

inspired.

Super Sprayer - The most amazing bloopers are here

Hot Date!

I had an awesome lunch date today with this little hottie and his momma.




























He totally smiled at me and checked me out! Seems like he can't wait to meet our little girl in August too.
On the way home I felt some little flutters in my belly. She likes goin fast in our new car it seems. And just now I felt a couple little flutters and one bigger one. So cool!
It is such a beautiful day... better enjoy it and take out my first love, Miss Jackie Oh.

Goldfish

I came on here to try and put into words how it felt to see our baby on the ultrasound and find out... its (probably) a GIRL!!!
yippppee!!!

But then, just now... I started feeling little flutters in my belly. I was sure when I woke up this morning that I would feel something more official today. Everything I felt so far has been questionable. But tonight, I am pretty sure there are goldfish swimming around in there and occasionally bumping into the sides.

Anywho, the ultrasound was an amazing experience. I had to have a full bladder. If you have ever been pregnant you know that this is just about a prego womans worst nightmare. If you haven't... basically when you are pregnant a variety of reasons will make you pee, constantly. So... this was basically torture and I was afraid I would pee myself. But, when we got into the cute little pink room and I layed down on the table and they squirted the warm good on my belly... i totally forgot I had to pee at all as soon as I saw the little creature on the screen. We are pretty sure we caught her sucking her thumb right at the beginning. Not surprising, she was being a gymnast and wouldn't sit still or give us a good angle at all to see a good, clear shot of her. But we got to see her pretty fingers and toes, her perfect nose, and even the lense of her eye! The tech measured that she is more like 19 weeks instead of 17 so we shall see what our midwife says about that!

The tech asked if we wanted to know whether it was a boy or a girl. I kinda forgot all about that cause I didn't even care... it was amazing seeing a healthy beautiful baby in there that we made! But, finally we moved down to the femur and at first it was iffy but then it was pretty clear- it's a girl!

At that moment... I dont think I can put it in words. I just became so happy, so joyous, so blissful... and I have been floating around like this since. Seeing her and watching her dance around and how perfect she is- wow. Everything else in life just seems... not that big of a deal.

We got some ultrasound shots but they aren't that great and pale in comparison to seeing her dancing around live. I will scan some in when I figure out how to get my scanner working again.

Now I am going to go back to sitting still on the couch and wait for the goldfish.

I really did graduate.

There is the picture to prove it from December 09. I got my Bachelors in Advertising to add on to my Associates in Multimedia and my in-depth experience as a Vet Tech and all around Jill of all trades who much rather prefers to just read books.

Displayed is the entire contents of my lovely portfolio that I worked harder for than just about anything else so far. At the time I was 6 weeks pregnant, had lost about 4 lbs, was extremely nauseous, exhausted, and rather mentally and emotionally drained. And only me, Tyler, and Tiffany knew it.

My whole family came to see me and my work, then we were off to dinner where I had to explain that I didn't want to drink (how strange since I was celebrating an engagement and graduation and loooove my wine).

So we went to Cheesecake Factory to celebrate. My parents got me the most beautiful, perfect watch as a graduation gift that I absolutely cherish. After dinner, when we got our cheesecakes that said "Congratulations" on them, I said (first normal and by the end in sobbing tears and of course, wordy and drawn out): "Thank you so much for all of your support. I could not have accomplished all that I have without you. I have a gift for all of you also, but you can't have it until August. I am 6 weeks pregnant."

Everyone else started sobbing and freaking out too. Thank God- they were freaking out because they were so incredibly happy and supportive.

I am so blessed.

Here we all are after the big news that made engagements and graduations seem like no big deal...

17 weeks

I'm bigger and better than ever.


























And to prove its really me...



















Tomorrow we have an ultrasound. I am very excited to see whats really goin on in there!
The name status right now is Enzo for a boy, Amelia for a girl. That could always change though!
I haven't felt any obvious kicks yet, just some weird things but there is all kinds of weird things going on in my body right now. Amazing.